**WARNING Graphic content: might not be suitable for work**

Some people are born sick. I wasn’t.

I made myself sick. I spent my entire childhood building up to spending my entire adulthood being sick.

And I was incredibly successful at doing so.

Since before I was a teenager, food always held negative connotations for me. My mom was always on a diet and fat-free was pure gospel. At 12 years old, I gave up soda because I knew it was “bad” and felt guilty every time I had a brownie or a Twix.

Barbie celebrating food, crossed out with a big red sign

By the time I was in high school, a flat tummy was my primary concern, and all I wanted was to be thin and beautiful, so I resolutely claimed I didn’t eat wheat or dairy because I “couldn’t tolerate them” – giving myself a bona fide condition (without the help of any doctors).

From about the age of 17, I was heath obsessed and self-punishing full time. If I indulged in frozen yogurt or had eaten too much, I’d take a walk by myself and purge my shame into the neighbor’s bushes, quiet and discrete.

A barbie being sick behind a fence post

In my twenties, I no longer had to worry about barfing up my problems. I had finally achieved my goal: I could hardly eat anything. I was sick. Really, really sick. My belly was huge with parasites, SIBO, H. Pylori, adrenal fatigue, chronic fatigue, hormone imbalances, and fibromyalgic pain.

A sick woman with a distended abdomen

An entire lifetime of food fear and self-loathing had finally come full circle. I no longer had to restrict my diet or think of reasons to exclude gummy bears from my life; my body was doing it on autopilot, and I had a great big distended, angry belly to show for it (not the lithe, svelte frame I’d dreamed of).

 

Chronic Illness and Eating Disorders

I’m going to throw it right out there: I believe my eating disorder became my illness. I believe that my fear of getting fat and having a poochy belly turned into an eating disorder. I think the eating disorder ingrained negative ideas of eating so deeply in my mind that I got sick and became engrossed in 10 years of food sensitivities and life consuming infection.

I had every symptom, every problem, and was deeply suspicious of all food all the time. I became anti-social, was incessantly harassed by the stupid body I hated, and tormented myself over every bite I took and what sort of reaction I would have.

See the pattern there?

And it is probably the same reason YOU are so sick all the time.

Huge, right?

A hideous boulder right in the eye and whoa whoa whoa whoa no.

Let me explain.

 

The Real Reason You’re So Sick All the Time

You don’t have to have a full blown eating disorder in order to qualify, here. It could be something as simple as hating your reflection. Repeating how fat you are every time those jeans squeeze your tum. Believing that if you eat dessert you’ll gain 5 pounds immediately. Mutilating your self-esteem with fashion mags. Buying yet another lipstick to make yourself feel better.

I’m talking about your brain. Your mindset. The way you see yourself and the relationship you have to your body and food and health and healing.

A woman thinking of a cupcake

That’s the real reason you’re so sick all the time. Because your mind is getting right up in your business, hijacking your best intentions and blasting you off course. Bringing out all the dirty laundry and making a stinking shambles of the whole thing.

3 Free Ways to Stop Your Mindset from Making You Sick

I know you’re here because you want to be well. I know you’ve crashed and burned the brain plane. I know you’ve dragged your body through pharmaceutical hell and back. Your soul is shredded and your spirits are singed.

It’s time to stop killing yourself. Stop spending your life suffering. Stop wandering blind.

Use these three tips as a jumping off point to kick start true healing. Take it from a professional invalid, educating your body, beautifying your mind, and healing your life starts here (and it’s free!).

1. Get Honest

Getting honest about the underlying causes of being unwell (physically or mentally) is rough. It’s emotionally triggering and psychologically challenging. I means facing facts and taking responsibility for your role. Believe me; I did NOT want to admit that a shameful eating disorder (and fear and self-loathing) had robbed me of 10 prime years(!).

Look at your symptoms. Your situation. Can you spot any patterns? Can you see where it all began? Was there an event that triggered you? A set of behavioral traits you inherited from your mom?

Digging up these roots will feel like a soul bearing, gut wrenching inquisition. But the answers are there, and they are the key to healing. You must confront the true cause before you embrace true healing – otherwise, it’s likely you will be (unconsciously) repeating patterns of self-sabotage.

 

2. Forgive Yourself

A heart made of broken pieces of blue dishes

Your self-exploration may uncover some nasty stuff. Proper demons. And that’s OK. In fact, that’s freaking awesome. The sooner you call all that stuff into the light, the sooner you can deal and ditch.

Throughout this process – from before you discover anything, through to thriving victory – you must forgive yourself for everything. For all the past failures, the negative thoughts, the self-loathing, how long it takes, the dark secrets. All of it.

Create a beautiful mindset from this point by simply allowing your past to exist, accepting yourself in the moment, and moving forward with a positive intention. Don’t dwell. Don’t punish. Everything happens for your highest good, so (even if you don’t understand it right now) move on believing that purpose and value will reveal itself as you press along with forgiveness and self-love in the driver’s seat.

 

3. Train Your Brain

Healing is the art of bringing physiology (the body) and psychology (the brain) into alignment with one another. Your body cannot be vital if your brain is sick, and vice versa. We must attend to both in order to achieve harmony.

But what if your mind is chattin’ about how ugly your thighs are? What if a little carb alarm goes off every single time you see a loaf of bread? What if you’re used to counting calories and get sucked in by swimming suit season advertising? Healing is not going to come from a place of comparison and inadequacy. 

You must reign in the brain to assist your healing journey. It’s not optional. After you get honest, you can start to dive into the subconscious programming that is informing your actions (and ultimately responsible for your successful recovery). Self love hypnosis is a free and easy way to get you started on your way. You may also consider mindfulness, emotional freedom techniques, positive affirmations, meditation, or a combination of all. Find what feels good, and do it. 

Start Kicking Ass Today with a Beautiful Mindset

Oh my honey.

This is your cue.

The part where you get to put on your flower crown and take action.

Where you get to shine because you are finally standing in the light.

Where everyone gets to feel your love and share in the gifts you bring.

Because now you know.

How to move forward.

And how to move mountains.

Oh my gosh, yes.

 

xoxo

 

Tell me. Did you spend 2 years wrapped in a duvet with debilitating digestion? Did you pick up parasites in Peru? Have you had a spiritual healing experience? I want to know. 

What's Your Story?

 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Let me get this straight: you’ve worked in a cosmetic clinic?

Yes.

But doesn’t that mean you’re a fraud and not practicing what you preach?

Sure, if you want to get nasty about it.

But I’d like to put this contradiction in terms to bed, if you don’t mind.

A banana tucked in bedPut firmly to bed

What is beauty, really?

Beauty is intrinsically linked to honesty; the deception of the disingenuous will always blow their own cover in the end.

Obviously, the definition of beauty extends well beyond our superficial ablutions (something I have a lot of time for, vanity being my favorite vice).

It’s who makes us feel beautiful.

It’s who helps us to help ourselves be better, open, honest versions of who we are.

Things and people and places that unlock the tiny, magical chambers of our hearts that so easily get sealed up and forgotten about.

I mean that.

It ain’t just lip service, ya’ll.

But, back to the accusation.

The Truth About Cosmetic Clinics

Yes, I spent 5 minutes working in a cosmetic clinic. And I hated it.

I love the beauty industry. Skin and products and health and science and creativity and personal expression and freedom and magic.

But every day I saw men and women coming in, desperate to become someone new. Someone they’re not. Trying to plump up their happiness with fillers and smooth over their problems with Botox.

Maybe you know someone like that.

Maybe it’s you. 

And, of course, when the needle didn’t provide the seismic shift they were after, it was inevitably a short coming of either myself or the clinic. The hostility!

I’ve never known such deep dissatisfaction, and I’ve never had the emotional baggage of the world dumped so unceremoniously at my feet, expecting a permanent fix now now now now now.

Whoa.

Honestly.

The energy of that place, those people. Toxic. Not one tiny bit beautiful. I had no idea beauty was surrounded by so much fear, self loathing, doubt, and shame. 

It’s a real blow, because I went to the trouble of training, and have all the enthusiasm in the world for this stuff, and yet, something was off. Off by miles and miles, in fact. Suddenly, being in the fully fledged cosmetic industry was distinctly hideous.

and old woman struggling with the psychological darkness of beauty and trying to use a serum to become young againPossible formulaic flaw here

The Psychological Darkness of Beauty

Originally, when I set about pursuing this career path, I had a very idealistic mindset; I believed that if you pulled the trigger on something small, it would have the power to affect much greater change than the sum of it’s molecules, which could ultimately lead to more beautiful world all the way around.

You tidy up your bikini line, remove a mole or two, or gently lift an ageing jawline, and miraculously offer someone a fresh perspective and a shiny new bow of confidence to wear in their hair.

They in turn release the positive vibes, and the beat goes on. Sounds good, no?

Ha.

Turns out, the equation is much more complicated than all that. It’s a balancing act. Very tricky.

Removing Mrs. Hove’s mole is not just about a radiotherapy device rearranging skin cells into a more favorable configuration.

It’s about her husband and the way he looks at young Sylvia at the market. And the way Sylvia looks back at him.

When Alice the librarian decides to have full Hollywood laser hair removal, it’s not just because she’s a kick-ass feminist with intelligent political opinions who believes women should be able to handle their bodies however they please; she’ll never forget how humiliated she was when she lost her virginity at 16 to that Steven who thought pubic hair was disgusting.

The tricky balance of beauty and the mind with a hippo balancing on the tip of red lip stickVery tricky, indeed

So you see, really I needed to have gotten a degree in psychology before I got anywhere near this stuff.

Where the Mind Meets the Body

When someone came in asking to become Barbie, I never rubbished them. 

However.

It does makes me sad to think that people can’t just accept what they look like. That I can’t just accept what I look like. But deeper still, that the details we hold against ourselves are often just metaphors for far more sinister insecurities that a syringe is never going to touch.

Old stories.

Deep hurts.

Terrible secrets.  

Yet at the same time, I love the freedom and am fascinated by the process which brings people to seek physical changes.

I’m about as vain as they come, and certainly not above accepting a helping hand myself; I would never begrudge anyone whether they decide to go full throttle plastic or sun kissed hippie. I believe beauty is art, and firmly in the eye of the beholder.

So, the truth is, I’m a mess. I’m all over the shop and there’s no telling whether I like it or hate it or am confused or sad or tickled to pieces by all this beauty nonsense.

Creating a Beautiful Mindset

But, let’s get real kids. That’s what this is all about.

Most people want to improve the way they look, and my ethos is: life is short. Do it.

But DO NOT do it without asking yourself the hard questions first.

Are you running from something?

Hiding from something?

Is this a choice made out of fear and self loathing?

Can you back away and take an objective look at your motives? Can you honestly say you are making a decision from the right perspective? Do you have your beauty mindset in alignment?

Please, go forward with love and blessings. Your choices are sacred. Know yourself. I accept all.

But don’t get consumed by it.

Don’t expect it to change your pathological behaviors, make your blow up doll an actual living husband, or suddenly create time and space in a forever perfect continuum.

Beauty is full of psychological darkness, and we all have to explore ourselves deeply and honestly.

But if Botox is going to fill your balloon with a little happy helium, then fill away, my friend.

Balloon filled with happy heliumWormie knows where the good stuff is

Finding That Balance

Our desire to be attractive is biological and makes a lot of sense.

I don’t think anyone should be punished for augmenting their looks, (although motives are an important factor to consider –Botox is jolly nice, but it’s not a marriage counsellor).

And I don’t think anyone should be vilified for keeping it natural, and just letting the wind blow where it may.

It’s all valid.

However, I’m over the artifice. Fuck off with the false pretenses and the over-indulgent selfies.

I’m over it.

If you’ve had a boob job, fine, but don’t pretend you were born with that much silicone in your body.

If you’ve had your lips plumped and your brows tattooed, fuck off trying to make everyone feel bad about theirs. You only reveal how insecure you really are, and that you wasted your money trying to convince yourself you were better than you feel. 

I’m 100% cool with anyone who wants to enhance their beauty in any way.

Just leave the bullshit at the door.

A squash pretending to have amazingly big boobs and haunted by the psychological darkness of beautyIt’s all natural, honest

Maintaining a Beautiful Mindset

Changing something about your appearance may be considered a confession of weakness.

Vanity.

Self delusion.

Lack of self confidence.

Maybe it is. And maybe your choices offend others.

Or threaten them, even.

There’s an awful lot of hate out there. 

But for me, it’s an opportunity to choose empowerment.

And that’s what I want from and for everyone.

Be honest.

Take control.

Stay honest.

Let’s create beauty for love. Let’s create a beautiful mindset that serves our highest purpose and those around us. 

That makes you feel good and is inclusive. 

Take back our brains because we smart mamas. Take back our bodies because we strong bitches. Take back our beauty because we own that shit. 

Super-natural or super-glam.

No shame.

Just be real about it.

Instead of approaching beauty with expectations for yourself and others, join me in choosing to sally up to it with a sense of curiosity.

I am going to start off by challenging you to consider the following: if you are up for a bit of open minded beauty exploration, check out the Vice vid below called Real Life Ukranian Barbie. Prepare your mind.

Tell me. Have you gone to lengths to change your bod into something that other’s see as unacceptable? Do you secretly want to be Dolly Parton? Have you had a procedure done that your partner doesn’t know about?

What's Your Story? Button